这是写作版第一次进行改革尝试，原因见最新通告贴：http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/thread-10654-1-1.html
希望得到刚来的或已在这发了很多贴的小马支持！  有意见跟帖：http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/thread-2764-1-1.html

    大家就在下面占楼提交作文就行了~                                                                  



                                                                    第一期作文题是：

   Supporters of technology say that it solves problems and makes life better.
   Opponents argue that technology creates new problems that may threaten or damage the quality of life.
   Using one or two examples discuss these two positions. Which view of technology do you support? Why?

第一篇,干了一小时~~~唉...狂拍吧
It goes without saying that"It is the technology that makes the world go around."Thus,it is not exaggrated to say that people without modern technology are like flowers without sunshine .However a heated debate on the issue of  the impact on people's lives brings by technology .A series of problems have emerged in our eyes,a multitude of people are more and more worring about the bad  influence on our lives.Nevertheless,from my personal angle alone,the merits of the technology never fail to appeal to me although it has downside.

First and foremost,due to the technology that our communication are becoming more and more convient and effeient. It is undeniable that modern technology makes our world connection closely.The modern communication tools have changed people's daily lives enormously,such as mobile phone,the Internet,the television and the list will go on.Taking a typical example,the cell-phones are playing a significant role in modern society.You may save a person' life by phone the amibgouse in the first timewho is badly injured in a serious traffic accdient or make a phone meeting just at home instead of going to a far away work places.So far we can drow a conclusion that technology make our communication more easily

Besides,the communication is only part of the picture,the technology beautifies our lives as well.Nothing can compared with the newly developed recreation and entertainment that introduced by the technology.As e-game players,they will not unfamiliar with the X-Box or PSP,and these tools provide a paradise where young adlut can have a wonderful time to get relax and enjoy the facinating content of games.Thus the technology contributes a lot to our economic development and helpes to promote our living standard .


However,we should not ignore the unmerits of the technology and its negative effects on children.There is a servy done by scientists on the children who are invariable playing games at home.The result showed that nearly 80% of them suffered a bad eye-sights and irregulate living pace and almost 75% did not well in their grades. The modern technology makes our life easier,but at the same time makes our health even worse,for more and more people ingore the importance of phisical exercise .Most white-collar are driving to their wokplaces and do not have enough exercise which result in sickness and dieases.

Everything has two sides and we should realize both its impact on ourselves.So in conlusion ,I tend to maintain that modern technology exerts more positive effects than negative ones.But meanwhile it is high time that we took some measurement to deal with the bad influence on children and ourselves .

首先标点问题: 标准的标点符号书写史禹老师上课讲过: 句子+标点+空格这样文章规范整齐,和提高印象分.例如文章最后一段可以改为Everything has two sides and we should realize both its impact on ourselves. So in conlusion, I tend to maintain that modern technology exerts more positive effects than negative ones. But meanwhile it is high time that we took some measurement to deal with the bad influence on children and ourselves.
其它小马也要注意标点, 会给我和个位批贴的人省点眼力.
第一段: 第一行单词错误应为exaggerate
第二段: 倒数第二行开头amibgouse是what?
              最后一段drow应为drew 2#要小心啊! 以后要仔细
第三段: topic sentence 有问题 首先个人感觉besides 和 as well 重复. 然后是beautify美化一次与作者的例子不是太搭配. 例子是说明technology gives us great fun. 美化不太准确其实第二句就可以作为主题句. 然后在把例子发展的更充分一些,比如PSP X-BOX(2楼一定有PSP吧!我刚买,有空给我推荐游戏啊)是如何provide a paradise where young adlut can have a wonderful time to get relax and enjoy the facinating content of games.可以据自己的例子总之在多说1,2句再detail一些比如 My grilfriend give me a Playstation Portable, PSP, as a gift. It brings me immense fun, such as when I was on a boring trip, I always play it to spend the time and it makee me happy.
第四段: 开头unmerit是作者自己创造的词吧merit虽是优势的意思可是unmerit确实是没有啊!我查牛津了,牛是没有. 后面servy  应该是survey对吗? 感觉作者用了很多自己也把握不好的词,还有前面天堂这个词paradise用在这里总决的不是太妥. TOEFL作文的词汇不是越难越好,我认为首先是力求准确比如2#想说缺点可以用disadvantage or defection感觉楼主肯定会这两个词, 为什么不用呢, 我们觉得太熟的词是简单的词,可是native speaker却不见得这么觉得啊 英语的最高境界不是一句话你有20种方式去表达而是你知道20中方式中哪种是最恰当的
总体来说2#写的还是很好的, 逻辑清晰,论证充分,例证恰当, 强调句,比喻等亮点也很好大家要学习啊

[ 本帖最后由 qifeihu 于 2008-3-26 15:16 编辑 ]

The 1st para draws readers' attention very much,especially by using quotation and metapher like this:

"It goes without saying that"It is the technology that makes the world go around."Thus,it is not exaggrated to say that people without modern technology are like flowers without sunshine."

Some errors in Para1---I pick them out and let's see:
A series of problems have emerged in our eyes,a multitude of people are more and more worring about the bad  influence on our lives.

应改为：As series of .......否则这句话就有问题了，没有连词，两句话怎么放一起了，对吧，可能你是笔误吧。
另外，more and more worring about 可以用are becoming more concerned about.....这个高级词组吧

Ok, this is the topic sentense 1 supporting the thesis sentense:

First and foremost,due to the technology that our communication are becoming more and more convient and effeient.
但仔细看来这不是一句话应该去掉中间的that,
你想让that 引导什么从句？

efficient 的拼写

The modern communication tools have changed people's daily lives enormously,such as mobile phone,the Internet,the television and the list will go on.Taking a typical example,the cell-phones are playing a significant role in modern society.

这两个表达用的好：
enormously
play a significant role in...

引用:

Besides,the communication is only part of the picture,the technology beautifies our lives as well.Nothing can compared with the newly developed recreation and entertainment that introduced by the technology.As e-game players,they will not unfamiliar with the X-Box or PSP,and these tools provide a paradise where young adlut can have a wonderful time to get relax and enjoy the facinating content of games.Thus the technology contributes a lot to our economic development and helpes to promote our living standard .

The topic sentense of para2 is not effect since "beautify" is a too broad word and your supporting details and examples are not closely developed from that sentense.
You can say--technology brings us a lot of fun and amusement. You may find life very boring without the excitement brought by technical products.

The conclusion is well done.

文章仔细看了，总的说来除了个别语法错误（不能单独成句啊）和单词拼写错误，整篇文章条理很清楚，（除了第二个分论点，但稍改一下就可以了），并且里面有些亮点的句子和表达。部分已经指出回归见上楼喔，我们从中也可以学到好东西
有些观点也同意小艾的也可参见他的意见

只要你用心按要求写发上来，我们一定会给你认真改~！

谢谢谢谢这么认真批改~~~我一定会仔细研究每一点建议的,以后每次我都会认真完成的直到4月27号~~~我当时写完后就直接发上来了没有再看,但是发上来我就后悔了,发现自己写的实在是差强人意,不过我会更努力的...现在还有比较头疼的就是在半小时内完成...现在实在是impossible...