development of  可以换成 along with the evloution of ;  as well as the promotion of
konw 的表达还有很多比如realize ,find out, acquant, approach, find a way of ..... 觉得楼主是觉得总用know不太好, 确实children directly know our history ; historic building let more foreigners know our country 是文中的两个句子, 是属于比较大众得句子没什么新意, 楼主想在know做文章, 可是句子的结构没变, 还是一个简单句啊!  我建议楼主用一些好的句型代替. 比如这两句可以这么说. It is widely(/commonly/generally) acknowledged(thought /recognized) that old and historic buildings can show our country's history to children directly.  
It was the famous and historic buliding that gave foreigners a approach, which could show our country's history and culture fully ./which they can know our country fully.
词都不难,可是却用较为复杂得句式, 要让rater觉得你的表达能力很强,很high-level不是简单得停留在简单句, 即使用了know这样比较low-leve的l大众得词汇也不会让人觉得你得表达水平很低.
说说文章
第一段:认为这句话不妥 Why some(书面语最好不要省略) deem that to destory(改为destoring) these historic buildings as(改为is前面动词ing部分作主语) the optimum choice that somehow superior to preserve them is really beyone(beyond?)me后句应该是说明choice的,可是我没太看懂, 主要是beyone me... 楼主应该在句子结构上多下点工夫,感觉很句子组织的很混乱.
第二段For example, forbidden city.省的太多了. 书面写作不能省这么多 可以说it provides(offers/proves/shows)a good(typical/concrete) example of(case in point/instance of).....
此为我觉得其实举的例子不是forbidden city而是你的personal experience. 所以我觉得这段应该这样改
First and foremost. It is widely acknowledged that old and historic buildings can show our country's history to children directly. Take my personal experience for exampel. I vividly remember when I was ten(detail 比说自己young/ a kid/child 好), my father take me to visit the Forbidden city which I read in the book. I always dreamed that I could really watch and touch it, not just see that on the picture. Fortunately, my dream came ture! You never know how glorious and stately it is, until you really, directly view the whole building.  If these kinds of old, historic buildings, like the Forbidden City, are demolished, children could only see that in books or other TV series. They will never see how smart our ancestor were and how marvelous historic buildings were. How pathetic!
写的仓促, 可能有些错误, 但是大概按照作者思路写的, 不见的用了多难的单词, 可是却说的很有逻辑很清晰, 而且句式很丰富, 戴云说过一篇文章25字以上的句子至少要有3个! 希望我的抛砖引玉,能给您的写作带来些帮助

[ 本帖最后由 qifeihu 于 2008-3-29 05:38 编辑 ]

呵呵 字数真的太少了, 300都不到, 戴云的黄金法则说过the more the better
字数太少了, 是无法把观点论证充分的, 而能否论证充分, 是评分的重要部分, OG已明确提出了, 建议4楼看看OG的267页, 如何看可以参考我的签名.
4楼如果觉得只从一个方面来说,实在无话可说, 可以从面来说, 尝试写一下中立的观点, 比如
on the other hand....在写1段, 写应该拆除旧建筑的原因, 还是有很多的, 比如阻碍交通(可以举北京的例子, 很多老房子阻碍了公路的发展), 影响市容......这就是戴云的2+1原则, 这样这段再写100字左右, 文章就快400了, 应该差不多了.
此外, telly.bbs应该在论述的时候多一些detail and example 比如第二段可以举几个例子啊 比如9#和3#的第二段中的例子, telly应该看一看,学习一下. 你的文章第二段首先topic sentence 没有很好的切题, 你的choice是不拆historical building, 那么什么原因呢! 应该是 Historical buildings, as significant symbols of our civilization and culture. 而不是human being is a species which is cultured. 逻辑上的问题, 感觉文章句子之间没什么逻辑,一点想到哪写到哪, 这样是不行的, 逻辑是文章的基础, 然后才是词汇的使用.  
文章的第三段同样的问题, 虽然给了例子, 但是缺少必要的detail only developed your idea partly. 建议楼主看一下OG P265 score 2 essay  和 rater's comment会对楼主有帮助.
此外看一看我给9#写的一个小例子楼主借鉴一下,希望会给你多谢灵感, 下次多写一些,

[ 本帖最后由 qifeihu 于 2008-3-29 06:06 编辑 ]

第二段 every the moment 改为 every moment
              最后一句连用了两个history显得重复 后一个用it 代替
第3段不错, 觉得一点不妥, 这段应该突出很多老地方是如何的好玩有娱乐性, 可是They are playing ball, talking, walking, or just sitting on the big stone.却看不出来有多entertain.
表达的过于简单talking walking.... sitting on the big stone 是不是都有点boring. 多给点detail . talk什么, 可以是news 可以是老人们以前共同的经历, walking也可以扩充, 比如带个鸟笼子什么的, 比如可以锻炼身体总之详细一些, 可以把描述tian-xin park的部分简略一点
, 关键是人们怎么在利用这里entertain.

谢谢小艾！
可是那个why some 的句子是昨天看到一篇范文里用到然后依葫芦画瓢用的，不知道是不是我用的不对。就是坛子里的， royi的解析NCE3第41课 完美满分作文样板（z），麻烦小艾看看，是不是我用错地方了？ 谢谢！

[quote]原帖由 qifeihu 于 2008-3-29 06:27 发表

多谢了 又再看了看~~果真如此
第三段对 公园的叙述过多  得改改！

再请问下 全文的结构逻辑方面还有什么需要改进的吗？
多谢！

[quote]原帖由 qifeihu 于 2008-3-29 06:27 发表
多谢小艾了
再看了看果然如此！
得改改
第三段 特别是

再请问下 全文的逻辑结构方面还有什么需要改进的吗？
非常感谢！

注意一些表达：
a historical city历史名城 a historical spot古迹
First and foremost, an old history building, been standing there for a long time, even hundreds years, it spreads the atmosphere of literature, the history of city, the traditional life of people. 这句话有几个动词了其实你的意思在首句可直接表达为：
an old historical building, which has been standing for a long time, symoblizes the history of local place.
下面再具体展开。
最后一段的理由适当说明一下disadvantages,理由给的很好：
For instance, it take the space for new modern buildings, its design style are not coherent with the buildings around them, and even after many years, its construction may not endurable enough.  
需要指出是preserving是名词而非 preserve

回复 17#的帖子

多谢老师的批改呵~~~
感觉豁然开朗
最后一段我再扩展扩展
就是对最后一段该写多细多长没底呵

请问
对全文的总体改进还有什么地方需要改进的吗？

引用:

原帖由 qifeihu 于 2008-3-29 06:04 发表
呵呵 字数真的太少了, 300都不到, 戴云的黄金法则说过the more the better
字数太少了, 是无法把观点论证充分的, 而能否论证充分, 是评分的重要部分, OG已明确提出了, 建议4楼看看OG的267页, 如何看可以参考我的签 ...

谢谢详细的解答！我再仔细看看

Some people maintain that a city should replace the historic buildings with modern skyscrapers, while others hold an opinion that old buildings should be well protected. As far as I am concerned, the latter point coincides with me. It’s undeniable that every coin has two sides. However, after serious consideration, I am fully confirmed that if we preserve those historic buildings, the advantages will be far overweighs the disadvantages.

On the one hand, history never comes the second time. Those old buildings maybe are not practical any more, but it can tell people what happened hundreds of years ago. If all these symbolic buildings all disappear one day, we might probably forget so many historic events which relate to our country today. It is indisputable that history should never be forgotten, and buildings are the best history books.

On the other hand, those historic buildings can be a symbol of the city where they are located. I can not imagine Paris without  , Beijing without The Forbidden City and Great Wall. Undoubtedly, most of these world famous cities have a long history, coupled with their ages, the buildings are the only reminders. Some people argued that we can have many lands for modern mansions if these old buildings are demolished, but have they ever considered the situation that one day all the buildings are hi-tech but we can never find a feeling called belonging?

In addition, historic buildings are the basis of the increasingly developing tourist. Most tourists travel to Egypt for the pyramids. If the pyramids no longer exist, it is obvious that seldom people would have the passion to visit the country. As a result , Egypt will suffer from a tremendous loss of money.

With all the reasons I mentioned above, I insist that these old buildings should not be destroyed. On the contrast, they should be carefully protected. Only when we pay enough attention to those buildings can our city be more and more charming.