p1  beneficial 是adj. 这应该是笔误啦~
p2  ...make teenage independently... 这好像不太通
p3 Another reason why I advocate the attitude of disagreeing with this statement parents should give children more space and freedom to make the themselves determine their future. 这句话好像少谓语，Another reason why I advocate the attitude of disagreeing with this statement is that parents should give children more space and freedom to make themselves determine their future. 这样似乎通了，但还是怪怪的。to make themselves determine their future似乎还可以再推敲推敲。
  also，teenage是形容词吧，the age of 15-18 is the children are full imagination 不通顺
p4 第四段的观点很认同啊！！可以再多展开来写！
p5 这句话也许这样好一些，As the teenagers are too young, so they lack the experience in society. Hence, they might make some big mistakes which may destroy the teenager’s life in the future so at that time...
p6 这段有点重复，conclude出现了两次。
总的来说，结构好像比较奇怪，观点很多，但都没有得到足够的展开。不过还是很欣赏第四段的！似乎写的有点多，都是自己的观点，不同意的地方再拿出来讨论啊！

有谁的还没拍过?

谢谢提醒啊,我老不在乎小错,而且现在看起来有的话的确说的有待改正~~~拍的很详细,很强大~~~谢谢啊~~

哈哈 各位XDJM  哪位有时间拍拍我的呀 15#  小女子感激不尽
好可怜还没有人拍过……水平太次了

[ 本帖最后由 evilscorpio 于 2008-4-14 00:18 编辑 ]

哈，拍下17楼吧~

回复15#
开头略显简单了点
Take finding a right major or a right job for instance.
2个right有点不好吧  
第一个例子和我的差不多呵
写得比我深些~
These mistakes are an important learning tool这样说不大好吧?
Giving children an opportunity to make vital decisions by themselves will better prepare them to stand on their own feet when they grow up.
有点问题 我也想不出怎么改
水平有限......

第一段引出背景可以再提高一下语言,注意小错,比如开头大写,复数lives,拼写latter
第二段the statment 后加 that  ,given truth 改成given chance .第五句: children 后面的is去掉
第三段应该加些例子,否则看的有些空旷,可以说比如你在异国他乡父母不在自己身边时自己由于曾经没做过任何的决定,突然间束手无策的情景,反过来强调自己做决定的重要性
第四段的real situation是想表达真实情况吗?那不如用in real life

我的处女作 望大家批批。较多引用模板。
In our country, that adults make important decisions for their children are very normal, for instance, parents often plans the optimal college after teen chilrden graduate from senior high school. But, shoould Parents or other adult make important decisions for their  older teenage children? The way I see it, if teenagers are mature enough to know what’s best for him, I think it’s better to set aside and let them make their  own decision.

For starters, making decisions by oneself when they are young can develop their ability of leadership. Take Steven Jobs, the cofounder and CEO of Apple, for example. Jobs dropped out after only one semester, at the age of 17, to devote himself to the fast-developing computer industry. And later he and Wozniak founded Apple Computer Company, which is one of the largest companys of the world, when he was only 21 years old. Besides Jobs, another emperor of ancient China provided a perfect example. The name is Kang Xi, third emperor of Qing Danasy of China. Kang Xi ,only 15 year old, planned the whole thing for months with remarkable patience and  inllustrious political genius. He recruited and trained a small group of loyal young man as his personal security guards and arrested Oboi(most powerful man in the court and perhaps had emperor himself under surveillance) with them. This exploit of young emperor had since been the stock material of innumerable historical novels and films. What’s more, Kang Xi’s exceptional level of courage and decisiveness in the later years recovered China from turmoil of change of the dynasties and enjoyed a long period of stability.

Besides, making concequently decisions alone can make people independent. When I was faced the first important choice, that I have to decide which college to apply, my parents had divergent opinon with me. They were anxious about my score, and worried about if I could meet the deadline. But I did not give up, since admitting by Peking University was my grand dreams even while childhood, and finally I succeed. I still remember how exited I am when I received admission. Later, when I meet difficuilt choice in life, I would look back on this experence, which make me more confident about my choice, and I would say to myself, “if I make a decision, I can surely manage it.” As you can see, if I rely on my parents opinion, I would never achive my dreams.

Last but not the least, make important decisions by adults can turn out to be very terrible. My brother WangCai is a case in a point. Wang Cai got married with Xiao Qiang on their parents’ will. Xiao Qiang is selfish, vain, and has a disgusting temper. What’s more, Xiao Qiang even dating with another guy after marry. Wang Cai’ heart was broken and was totally crazy about her. As a result, he broke up with her immediately.

To sum it up, make a self plan when you are a young can develop your leadership, make you more independent in the future. In contrast, a terrible decision can be turn out from your adult’s opinion. As a result, we should make important decision by ourselves and it would turn out to be quite good in the future.

We must be admission that our family is indispensable condition of all almost person's whole
life.By definition,family is the basic social group united through bonds of kinship or marriage,while we are in the fimaly our parents play a vital roule in our development.Concurrent,fa
-mily provides its members with protection,companionship,security,and socialization.And it is
the fundamental block of any society.Some people believe that the family always could initiat
-e the most chief infulence on young adults,and particularly when young minors members face t
-o some principar choices,their parents would provides some instruction or proposals for them
.However,other people agrues that maybe friends trigger infulence on young people more soundl
-y than parents.Even if the parents could gave a lot of essentiol instruction and suggest for
their children,but some times young adults seems more prefer to choose their friends by their
listener,and adopt some views from their friends.Confucius,one of the greatest Chinese educat
-ors of all time remarked:Conjecture a young peopel has some friend,and among these friends a
-lways occur several person become the young man/woman's teachers,which is some peopel seems
impossible to give an answer,and can be accepted by all.
  Personally,the influence on youg peopel start effect from their friends more important than
their parnets.As we all konw that in the young adults'daily life,they usually spend more time
with their friends,and young people more easy to make interpersonal communicat with their fri
-ends.Moreover,youg people more favorite with their friends to talking some topic,is they com
-mon interesting,and like this young adults would prefer to receives some primary influence f
-rom their friends.Xiao Ming is my young cousin,and he was a junior middle school student,he
like participation in various activities,particularly some sports game,such as basketball,foo
-tball,volleyball,badmintion and so on.Every day,Xiao Ming must be spend over 6 hours in the
school with his classmates.Last semester,Xiao Ming encountered some difficult problems in his
subject,and he chosen through adequate community with his friends to found some ways for deal
those question,coincidental Xiao Ming seems don't like accepted some assistances from his par
-ents.At last,Xiao Ming with his some friends constitute a group for solve various issues in
their subject,and they always discuss for handle multifaceted problems together.In the fanil
examination of the last semester,Xiao Ming and his friends won satisfactory results.Consequen
-tly,young receives influence form their friends more central than their family.
  Furthermore,young peopel be able to more easy make sufficient communication with their frie
-nds.They always could find out aommon interesting things to each other,and they always could
found similar personal experience,and thses interesting things and experience both could prom
-pted them to accepted influence.Xiao Mei is my nephew,she is a high middle school student,an
-d she always likes to participate in some cativies with her friends,and almost every month X
-iao Mei would to make once little trip with her friends.Simultaneously,Xiao Mei and her frie
-nds usually to talk about thire respective personal experiences,while they encountered some
issue,thses grils always perfer to receives their friend's comments.
  In brief, young adults and their friends could find more interesting topic or things to eac
-h other,and similar personal experience will conducive they better to accepted the influencefrom their friends,concurrent make adequate personal communicaion,which is a fact that everyo
-ne konws.