先是谢谢^ ^
然后是试着改一下~

There is no denying that the government should spare no effort to improve health care of people by cleaning the environment where people inhale the air often polluted and drink the water usually contaminated. As a result, the health conditions of most （these好一点~）people are worrying. However, from all the factors affecting people's health, the awareness to keep healthy, the availability of well-built facilities for exercise and stricter regulations are indispensable. （这里读起来转折的有点牵强，可以先说：除了这个以外，还有……indispensable）

As we know, if people living in an area where the authority neglects to draw their attention of the importance of health, they may simply lead the lives the way it is and never think about to make a change. （由于没有引起公众的注意，政府应该失去了了解民意的机会，引导全民参与的机会……） Particularly obvious（特别明显的是？感觉说法很中国 ^ ^ 不知道对不对……）is such phenomenon in rural areas that people are not aware of the necessity to wash hands before eating meals and to clean their houses once a week at least. （这句话应该是对上一句话的更进一步的说明，但是读起来和上句没什么关系的样子）All these contribute to drag down the quality of people's health, and thereby it is time the government did its utmost to let these people pay close attention to their daily hygiene.

To such reasons, yet another must be added. In short of facilities for exercise, the majority of people living in my hometown are deprived of the opportunity to do sports, such as playing basketball in a broad court or swimming in a large pool. It is a pity that the government has not noticed that daily exercise serve as a vital role in improving health and preventing people from developing diseases. （各种各样的疾病就好了） If only the government can channel more money（allocate funds）in building essential facilities one can employ to jump, run and kick a ball, the quality of people's health will, if not immediately, be ameliorated.

Finally, the authority should also enact stricter laws on irregular and unhealthy activities, namely（用这个词就说明，不健康的行为只有后面两个，还是改成举例比较好）, smoking and gambling, for these bad habits could seriously impair people's health. Even though the government should not intrude upon（interfere好点么？）privet activities, some regulations, like imposing higher taxes on cigarette，will help decrease the numbers of smokers, therefore keeping them away from cancer-producing chemicals.

To sum up, while considering reinforcing the efforts on improving environment, the government should also take other actions mentioned above. If any of them is dismissed, it is hard to imagine how people’s health will further deteriorate. （真的感觉很别扭，水平有限,说不出来 ）In this case, the combination of all the four methods is more than a wise decision. （好像没有可比性……）

我觉得问题主要在于每一段的单独写作，整体上文章思路很清晰，但是到了每一段就有点牵强，不完整。书上说（咳！刚看的，嘿），每一段都要注意unity, coherence, completeness 和variety，虽然每段都只有三四句话，但最好也有主次。

P.S. 马上就要考试的话，现在就逮着常用的句型反复练好了，因为写作文一开始计时就没有工夫想了，写出来的全是最常用最顺手的句子，所以……

还有，我十月才考，现在写作文还是处在对着一堆资料，东翻翻西翻翻，一篇作文数小时的状态，嘿，所以那个WHO对health的定义是现查的~

最后，祝你考试成功！^ ^

再P.S.
发了很久没发出去！一定是人品太差了我……唉，只能在这里直接回复了，没有颜色，别介意啊……

大家拍拍吧！
哈哈我也不准备手下留情了。
得拍一个人的作文才行！
谁会难逃我的魔爪呢？

There is much controversy over whether it is appropriate for the government to just concentrate on providing a cleaner environment to enhance our health care. Frm my own perspective, my preference would incline to the adverse side of the latter point after a deliberative calculation, especially as not only is environment a determinent to ensure our health, but also the equity of social welfare, emotional treatment and hospital conditions are playing a significant role in this issue.

I cannot negate that some prople think a better environment is adequate for health care. For one thing, people no longer have to breathe in exhaust to hamper their delicate respiratory system. For another, the citizens can relieve from drinking recycled products of sewage.

Although such opinion holds one or two minor advantages, yet, to my point of view, the merits of using diverse means to improve health care still far outweigh those of focusing on cleaning the environment. Three premier causes are presented below.

In the first place, the impoverished can hardly survive under unfair welfare conditions. My grandmother was a sufferer undergoing this torture in the past in China. As an old woman in poverty , she never obtains any previlage or even same treatment as the middle-class, like reducing surgery cost or waiving the fees of medicines. Without fair welfare, how can one be content with the health care?

Moreover, it is improper to ignore emotional treatment. In the eighteenth century, Freud improved the development of psychological studies, he recognized emotion as a essence of a healthy body, too. For instance, if a person work with a bad mood, he are likely to be inefficient. Usually, low efficiency comes with a poor performance in his job. Then according to the insatisfactory performance, his income would be low. When he lacks finance spending on healing his emotional problems, the situation would become worse, and the person could merely eacape from this detrimental cycle.

Last but not least, hospital conditions is of great significance. Let us assume, you just catch a cold during exercise, you need to hurry into a hospital to treat the disease since there are numbers of assignments you need to finish to cram for the exams. By the time you enter the hospital, you are surrounded by a bunch of mosquitoes and flies, dirty atmosphere wth dust and smelly odor, do you think you would be able to be gain content health care to cure your disease and succeed in the exams? The answer is almost NO.

To put all in a nutshell, these factors I reasoned above determine me to strongly commit to a notion that other than cleaning the environment, we need to do far more to improve ourhealth care as we could make this more comfortable by boosting the dispassion on welfare, emotional treatment and hostpital conditions.
谢谢大家批评指教！
谢谢！

There is no denying that the government should spare no effort to improve health care of people by cleaning the environment where people inhale the air often polluted and drink the water usually contaminated. As a result, the health conditions of most people are worrying. However, from all the factors affecting people's health, the awareness to keep healthy, the availability of well-built facilities for exercise and stricter regulations are indispensable.

As we know, if people living in an area where the authority neglects to draw their attention of(to) the importance of health, they may simply lead the lives the way it is(they are) and never think about to make a change. Particularly obvious is such phenomenon in rural areas that people are not aware of the necessity to wash hands before eating meals and to clean their houses once a week at least. All these contribute to drag down the quality of people's health, and thereby it is time the government did its utmost to let these people pay close attention to their daily hygiene.

To such reasons, yet another must be added. In short of facilities for exercise, the majority of people living in my hometown are deprived of the opportunity to do sports, such as playing basketball in a broad court or swimming in a large pool. It is a pity that the government has not noticed that daily exercise does serve as a vital role in improving health and preventing people from developing diseases. If only the government can channel more money in building essential facilities one can employ to jump, run and kick a ball, the quality of people's health will, if not immediately, be ameliorated.

Finally, the authority should also enact stricter laws on irregular and unhealthy activities, namely, smoking and gambling, for these bad habits could seriously impair people's health. Even though the government should not intrude upon privet(private) activities, some regulations, like imposing higher taxes on cigarette will help decrease the numbers of smokers, therefore keeping them away from cancer-producing chemicals. (gambling 的措施呢？）

To sum up, while considering reinforcing the efforts on improving environment, the government should also take other actions mentioned above. If any of them is dismissed, it is hard to imagine how people’s health will further deteriorate. In this case, the combination of all the four(?) methods is more than a wise decision（指明what the wise decision is).

怎么来说比我写得好多了吧！
怪不得没人改你的，大概是因为写太好了！
很少错误，有一点逻辑上的mistake： e.g. gambling的措施
但是这样赴考场拿满分应该没差吧
不过加多一个实例，就比没例子好一些