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第三篇 监督自己!欢迎指点!

第三篇 监督自己!欢迎指点!

Topic: some people believe that the earth is being harmed by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the earth a better place to live. What your opinion?

It’s an old saying goes, one coin has two sides. The technology today is developing so fast that a lot of invention bring us convenient. Some people believe human activity would surely improve the condition of our life, however the other claim that we have brought many damages to our earth. Personally, I agree the later one. We can just take car for example.

The increasing numbers of car would release a wide variety of harmful pollutants, including carbon dioxide, nitrogen oxides, sulfur oxides. These emissions will aggravate the problem of global warming, acid rain, worsen the air condition in the neighborhood.

For beginner, the burning of gas will bring carbon dioxide which would result the global warming. The increasing amounts of the pollutants raise the efficiency with which the air retains the sun's heat. This results in increases of global temperature. I still vividly remember the picture which is in An Inconvenient Truth, an Oscar-nominated film starring former United States President Al Gore as the narrator. The global warming will rise the see levels by melting the ice bergs at the Pole.  Gore warms us that if the surface tempreture of our earth keeps growing, big coastal cities like New York and Shanghai will no longer exist in few years.

Furthermore, the particles which are released by the car is harmful for people's healthy. It give rise to a wide variety of respiratory diseases, such as asthma. My mother, who is a doctor, says that there are more and more people catch the disease which is a result of air pollution every year. And the car is the main cause for the dirty air.

In general, though cars bring us more convenient, it also result many environment problems. So the human activities indeed damaged our life in some levels.

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我简单说说吧
1 字数好像有点少,只有300字,好像350以上才好些
2 The technology today is developing so fast that a lot of invention bring us convenient ,改成前面的复数 后面的改成名词
3 I agree the later one  改成latter, 记住former 和 latter
4 第三段写的是For beginner,那第二段写的不是理由吗?
5 The global warming will rise the see levels by melting the ice bergs at the Pole
6 Gore warms us that if the surface 温暖?
7 Furthermore, the particles which are released by the car is harmful for people's healthy
8 我觉得第四段应该在 that there are more and more people catch the disease which is a result of air pollution every year. And the car is the main cause for the dirty air.的基础上编造一些数字 更可信一些
9 我感觉文章读到最后好像不是在说人类的活动给地球带来的影响,倒是像汽车的使用给人类带来的灾难,另外,文章举两个例子比较好,你应该把汽车的例子放在一个段落里面作为文章的一个例子,然后再写一段人类活动给地球带来的另外一个影响,比如说人口的增加,耕地的扩张,森林的减少带来desertification等等问题。你的两段的中心句比如可以写成:Some inventions which people made last century such as car indeed bring us many conveniences, but they also take an passive inpact on the earth.   
The explorsion of human population and the endless need for living land make the ecology of earth more and more vulnerable, we may take the increasing desertification as an example. 或者第二个例子写工厂排放污染物,接着就可以写你的global warming的例子了
10 最后一段最好提出你对此问题的建议
就这些了,还有些语法错误就不一一指出了。

[ 本帖最后由 小三三 于 2007-10-31 17:52 编辑 ]

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result the global warming应该是result in ...吧(我系高中生,语法知识有限,不过就是读的别扭,如果可以这样用那就抱歉啦)。
楼上该的相当全了,不过整体感觉就是文章很散,尤其是第2段,我觉得可以删减一下加在第一段末尾,不然实在是突兀。
我也觉得cars作为一个例子比较好,通篇说就有点没说服力了。
这篇文章可以用在专门讲automobile的题目里。

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As the old saying goes, every coin has two sides
好象有不少语法和词性错误啊
还有例子太单薄,只有1方面
   个人观点而已

P.S   CO2不是污染物

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谢谢大家,这篇烂作在我今早重看一遍后发现不少问题,实在是垃圾一堆,让大家费神了!

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