这是我写的第一篇作文，请大家帮忙看看
   The most important thing you want to change about you hometown
Since agricultural is the cornerstone of my hometown’s economy, people’s lives level depend on agricultural development completely. But, at present time, agricultural products in my hometown have limited markets due to the isolation from outside world because of lacking of roads. Therefore, if possible, I would build a road for my hometown in order to improve people’s lives there.

In my hometown, peasants can hardly get benefits from farmlands. While agricultural productivity is not unsatisfied, products such as fruits, vegetables and crops have insufficient markets. The only customers needing the products are the local people. However, actually the great potential buyers are citizens in big cities where agricultural products are seriously needed. We can grasp that from the prices agricultural products in big cities which are higher extremely than small towns. For example, apples’ price can be up to 6RMB per kilograms IN Beijing while in my hometown only 2RMB. Hence to meet the market demand in my hometown as well as the product demand in big cities, the only feasible approach is establishing road to connect the small town with big cities.

In addition, inhabitants in my hometown have no chance to accept good education because of insulation from big cities. Internet, new-published books as well as inhibits are unavailable to the natives. Some times even newspapers are overdue when they delivered to the residents. Nevertheless, lacking of knowledge is another vital cause of local underdevelopment economy. For instance, farmers unequipped with proper knowledge can’t realize the significant of applying new technologies to increase productivity. So a road extending to big cities is an urgent demand to meet the locals’ thirst for knowledge.

The last but not the least, nowadays all children, whether living in big cities or small towns, should be well prepared to survive in an increasingly competitive society. It is vital for publics to supply essential requirements for children’s education. However, without a road, how can we import advanced facilities for schools? In conclusion, building a road is the first thing I would choose to do if I obtain opportunities.

怎么没人帮忙改改阿
提提意见啊，看看我应在什么地方改进？

至少贴作文你得把题目贴上来吧

第一行就是题目阿

第一行就是题目阿
第一次贴文章，而是没弄好，不好意思

in order to improve people’s lives there
建议改成
people's living condition

While agricultural productivity is not unsatisfied
不应该用while吧`用as或者since

I would build a road建议改成roads`修路应该不止修一条吧

LZ的句法不错哦`赞一个`!没有什么大问题`理由很充分`很有力度`!

人们的生活水平是不是用 the standard of people's living 好一些呢

lacking of knowledge is another vital cause of local underdevelopment economy 这 句改一下，改成
lack of knowledge is another negative consequence caused by the local underdevelopment economy

the significant of applying... 这里的significant 词性不正确 应该是significance


我们一起加油！呵呵

[ 本帖最后由 pickangel 于 2007-12-18 19:42 编辑 ]

From your writing, I think the widespread of education may be the most important thing you want to change in your hoometown, not the road--this artificial matter.
First, the beginning of your essay focuses more on the agricultural issue that may lead me to think that you want to write this issue, but actually you bring to the topic of building a road in the last sentence of the 1st paragraph.
Second,both the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs mainly relate to the issue of education and take it as example. We all know that people can deal with the disadvantages of situation so long as he is eager to study even if in your hometown there is no convenient road to big cities.
What I just want to say is that the reasons you write probably are not so strong that can support your argument. Maybe it's better for you change another perspective to write this topic.

谢谢各位的指导 和建议
受益匪浅
下一步要继续努力了

peasants在英语中有歧视的意思，建议还是用 farmer
actually the great potential buyers are citizens in big cities where agricultural products are seriously need这句话似乎有点重复了，actually the great potential buyers are citizens in big cities已经能充分地表达你的意思。
论证很不错