Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Businesses should do anything they can do to make profit. Use specific reasons and examples to support your composition.


Nowadays business becomes one of the most significant parts in economy, and more and more people realize how huge amount of money can be brought from it. As the goal of every business is to maximize profits, some people assert that we should do everything to make profit. However, after considering many aspects of a business, I can hardly agree with this kind of view. Because there are many things equally important or more important than merely pursuing profits.

For beginners, a fundamental essence of running a business is being legal. Despite the increasingly competitive market forces the companies' owners to try many extreme ways to make profits. But no matter how powerful the company is or how much money can be made, every company must be under the control of law. Even though an illegal business might bring enormous profits, it definitely can't last long. Once it is exposed, everything is over. Being legal is the prerequisite to run a company and to have a long-term profit.

Besides, business running is a system work. A manager can't just think about getting profits but also think about investing some money on employees' insurances and some charities, which will enhance their employees’ morale and leave a good impression to the public. In this way, the company will construct a highly united work team with high productivity and the public will be pleased to purchase their commodities.

Last but not least, reviewing the past decades, we have witnessed the prosperity of the industry, the improvement of the economy as well as the deterioration of the environment. The history teaches us business should make money on the condition that it does the slightest harm to the environment. Especially the heavy industries, they produce their commodities always accompanying with the waste water, dust and some poisonous chemicals. If these pollutants are directly released to the environment, the result is disastrous. Unfortunately, every year the news on these topics are countless. And many of cases are because the companies want to save the money to degrade these pollutants.

Therefore, while business is pursuing profits, it should take other factors into consideration. Being legal, considering stuff’s insurance, charity and environment just part of them. Only by doing this, can the company run its business perfectly.

第一段:
应该是brought by
many aspects of business,没有a,这里的business是泛指，与第二段经营一段生意不同，不加冠词
this kind of view不对，应该是this point of view

[ 本帖最后由 doyouknow 于 2008-1-6 21:08 编辑 ]

第二段
being legal用得很别扭，理论上是没错，但是那个地方最好换成 合法 的名次形式。。。
应该是company owners。。。
Once it is exposed, everything is over.这句话如果这样说：Once exposed, it will be over.是不是会更漂亮些。。。

第三段
开头应该是systemetic work...
第二句里面的第二个think about 最好省略。。。
最后的commodity最好改成product，前者指的是日用品，对business有局限性。。。

第四段
history 应该是taught us吧。。。
第三行应该是accomanied with。。。
最后一行news 后面应该是is countless。。。
后面many of cases不对，many cases就行了。。。
再就是你的字数是不是不够。。。

我只是改了一些语法的问题，但是我觉得你文章的结构有一些问题，这种问你同意不同意的题型应该从2方面论述，你好像只写了你觉得一个公司该怎样，有点跑题。。。
再就是，你应该多用长句子，你得从句用得不多，定于从句尤其少，要多多加强哟！！！
说话比较直，见谅，希望你越写越好！！！

LS线说你是谁...

下文不讨论结构和逻辑性之类的宏观问题，也不对其他评论发表看法，也不保证包含全部已知问题。

1，… in economy, and more and more people realize ...
少用这种低级结构。这种结构直接打击考官判卷的积极性。若想令其精神为之一振，就必须把第一句写出点样子来。教你一个方法在不使用and的情况下连两个句子：
低级表达：S1 - V1 - O1, and S2 - V2 - O2.
中级表达：if S1=S2 then
                        S1 - V1 - O1, V2ing – O2.
                  if S1 not = S2 then
                        S1 - V1 - O1, (with -) S2 - V2ing – O2.
高级表达：TOEFL不需要。
OK，now let's review the first sentence in your writing:
transformed to: Nowadays business becomes one of the most significant parts in economy, with more and more people realizing how huge amount of money can be brought from it.(Notice: I didn't change any other parts in this sentence, to which I literally have no confidence that you have done well enough)
2，after considering… after多此一举
3，Because there are many things equally important or more important than merely pursuing profits.
1）        首先这只是一个分句，这样的碎片句（Fragment）直接导致扣分。
2）        equally important or more important than应作equally important to or more important than
4，For beginners, 怎么还有人这么写？
5，Essence 根本就不是“本质”的事儿。经商的本质是合法？据我所知，当人类先贤们首尝Barter的时候，还根本没有Law的概念。
6，Despite the increasingly competitive market forces the companies' owners to try many extreme ways to make profits.
Despite 只能引导分句，况且就算放这里也makes no sense.
7，Being legal is the prerequisite to run a company and to have a long-term profit.
这句话揭示了一个非常隐蔽和不好理解的问题，即to在文中是不定式符号还是充当介词“对于”。事实上，prerequisite是对于某个东西的“前提条件”，所以你应该写the prerequisite to running a company。并明白也无所谓，这个语法细节在口语中几乎不会被关注。
8，A manager can't just think about getting profits but also think about investing some money on employees' insurances and some charities, which will enhance their employees’ morale and leave a good impression to the public.
这句话你究竟是在讲什么，看完了这一段才明白：原来你是想说，管理层别想着总去剥削压榨，也该为员工福祉和社会奉献多加考量。如果是这样，将此句改正如下（原文太丢人）：
The administration should not always be so obsessed with a maximal profit that they totally become blind when it comes to those peripheral issues, such as the salaries of company’s employees and necessary charities endowed to the society, which generally do not relate to a substantial increase of the revenue of the company in most cases.
有一个很流行的词叫作CSR，不知你是否听说过，意思是“企业社会责任”（Corporate society responsibility）。找一些相关扩展阅读可助你丰富本段内容。
9，Reviewing the past decades, we have witnessed the prosperity of the industry, the improvement of the economy as well as the deterioration of the environment.
这句没什么错，就是有点烂。你把它翻译成中文，你敢念出来么？多么幼稚的一句话啊。下面这句是我在不改变原文意思的基础上写的。
For the past decades, when witnessing an endless expansion of modern industry and an unprecedented prosperity of market economy, we also found that our environment, with the same pace of the development of our industrial civilization, has severely deteriorated.
10，If these pollutants are directly released to the environment, the result is disastrous.
1）Released to 改成Poured into
2）这句话用if句太可笑。天下谁不知道乱排污染物的灾难性。你写出这句话来是否暗示国人皆是未开之民？这句话的潜在负效应是让某外国考官进一步质疑中国人民对环保问题的认识，进而可能影响我国的国际形象。
11，save the money to degrade these pollutants
且不说degrade用的对不对，这句话意思正好是你想说的意思取反。

恩，谢谢doyouknow同学，很仔细，我再改一下

nrgbooster的意见很受用，打击也很大，我会努力的