这是sample,真的改的很好很厉害.
Subject matter: Father's Sickness6 Y) Y! J6 l9 s, g7 J- ^' Q
2 p }* e5 @9 [; E- F% k. KEdited Essay and Critique
1 F, \: y) ^# w; [' o- LWhen evaluating the quality of EssayEdge's edits, please bear in mind the quality of the original version to understand the dramatic improvement made to the essay. / {5 A4 u" U( c
Praise( F& u2 x/ ~$ t1 M: C3 @
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The following edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:
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"I am so happy I chose to use EssayEdge because of my teacher's recommendation. I expected a major improvement, but nowhere near the quality of both the comments and suggested revisions. You have a tremendously valuable service. The essay actually brought tears to my eyes, and you know what, I think it will do the same to the admissions office!"" J2 D, ?% a$ w* k; h R1 {
9 N) E* b2 H0 d$ s2 R" }1 gCritique
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8 u& P5 e/ L0 g, f8 }Dear John,
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This narrative describing your growth as the son of a cancer patient is well chosen, and your essay makes a very powerful statement. The description of how you learned to emulate your father's resolve after initially feeling like you lacked a strong "dad" role model is quite extraordinary. You are absolutely right to call your father, "my dad, my hero." I have no doubt that this essay will resonate with the admissions office.
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" r' ]8 I) p7 i9 j/ |4 lSince it is evident that you have learned a great deal and have reflected upon your past astutely, I felt very comfortable improving upon the rhetorical elements of your essay and heightening the sophistication of your language so that admissions officers can gain the clearest and most complementary picture of your personality. 1 B, s, l9 S$ U& ^
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Here are my specific comments on the individual paragraphs of your essay:( C) h2 Z$ ^9 t0 R* X& @5 b" _
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Paragraph 1+ w! b: q: P- Y* _4 {
: |& l8 T J$ T3 x- d' t8 C rYour original introduction was rather wordy, and it is essential that you grab the reader's attention with your first words. See how I have broken up your original introduction and have provided short, pithy sentences that immediately draw the reader into your narrative.
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, y5 A9 {7 [, [3 O"Upon seeing what was happening to my father, I then realized that colon cancer was neither quick nor painless, but rather agonizing and disturbing."
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, c3 A% y0 x' q' k5 z6 k: h; g* tIt is important to illustrate how your understanding of cancer developed, but you do not want to suggest that you had entirely unrealistic perceptions of the disease prior to the experience of your father's illness. ! P8 C7 [$ @3 W' M
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Paragraphs 2 - 4! w: ^3 h6 C0 u6 B
6 K( v6 w: t: T# V: F( l. ZIt was necessary to cut down on needless repetition in these paragraphs. You often began discussing a topic (for example, your shyness as a child), then you would change the subject (say, to financial problems), and then you would return to the original idea of being an introverted child. For this reason, I reorganized parts of these paragraphs in order to keep your ideas focused and to give them each their proper turn to be discussed. ' x: k7 }0 ?! G6 r* N K
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It is useful to remember that admissions officers can be very impatient when reading applicants' essays (they often read dozens in a day). If they see you repeating yourself, they will think that you have no other thoughts to offer, and they may stop reading your essay altogether.
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; s' ]) y1 E: O2 D"Because of this ordeal, my mom had to spend most of her time, energy, effort, not to mention large amounts of money, taking care of my father's health." _2 x* f" G% r! H8 s+ T' {
' h% ^# {) b) M1 b$ ^This is a great supporting detail, but you can give it more verve by describing the specific new roles that your mother had to assume. Here is my suggestion: "My mother, now a de facto nurse and breadwinner, spent her time and energy, not to mention large amounts of the family's money, fiercely battling my father's cancer."
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Paragraphs 5 - 8
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You need to avoid being melodramatic in these paragraphs. You tread on dangerous ground in writing: "I think I'll go to my dad now, and really show him all of my accomplishments. Perhaps he'll then say to me: 'I'm proud of you son厃ou've been fighting brave and hard.'" Such effusive writing will alienate your reader, who will feel that you are manipulating his emotions and will doubt both your sincerity and the veracity of your account. See the revised treatment of this idea that I have proposed in my edit.$ Z, U% r4 Z9 c* g
Q/ K5 d9 F, I! U". . . whenever I felt like giving up, my dad would pop into my mind: Boom."" T' `4 J: I/ ^* B
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You should maintain a more formal voice in essay writing.+ t) M: L, |3 s; }
/ H; ^9 u6 I6 ?3 YOverall, I found that your language was vibrant and that it required little improvement. You successfully varied sentence structure and length to avoid monotony, and your diction was easy to read and colloquial. However, I did notice that you often settled for bland verbs when more colorful and appropriate ones were available. For example, I changed "moved" to "inched," and "said" to "whispered." Always try to use active verbs since they give your writing more force. In addition, always be sure to eliminate the passive voice and to avoid "to be" verbs.
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& Y6 @1 L. _& [) fYour revised essay is much more powerful, as I believe you will see by reading the original and revised versions.$ s- q5 J0 l5 H3 H5 L0 @0 v" R
8 Q7 v, y* d* m2 H$ y& D+ g% nSincerely,# g# a |! @1 N" e
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Edited Essay* I. X$ ~9 Y4 Y3 ] \/ H. Z; v
$ n/ K4 n9 q- h( y* jEssayEdge significantly improves each essay using the same voice as the author. The only way to evaluate editing is to compare the original essay with the edited version. We significantly improve essays both for clients who write poorly and for clients who write well.1 `( S( d6 f$ d% n
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When I walked through my front door, the first thing I noticed was the odor. Then, I heard the groaning. I remember the occasion quite vividly, although it was ten years ago. My sister and I had just returned from the park with a neighbor, expecting everything to be normal. I soon discovered that nothing would ever be normal again.
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! F2 r( }& _; W6 qAs we slowly inched into the living room, a staggering sight met our eyes. There, lying facedown on a couch, was my father, ashen-faced and trembling. His head was completely bald, and his grisly figure appeared enervated. He was gasping for air, and then suddenly, he grabbed a blue pan, plunged his face into it, and vomited with such vehemence that I shivered. Only then did I fully understand what it meant for my dad to have cancer. At seven years old, I confronted the horrors of cancer in my living room, and realized for the first time that my father was fighting to survive. Catching me out of the corner of his eye, he raised his head from the blue pan and uttered a weak, "Hello," only to vomit again--this time missing the pan. My neighbor saw my face, put his hand on my shoulder, and whispered, "Let your dad rest--he has been fighting brave and hard." ' {) m: [! O, T. A
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My dad, my hero. The source of my love and guidance was now battling for his life. After the doctors detected the colon cancer in 1987, the tumor became more and more malignant, and the effects on my family were more and more severe. A long series of debilitating surgeries and chemotherapy treatments consumed my father's life, and by extension, enveloped my entire family. My mother, now a de facto nurse and breadwinner, spent her time and energy, not to mention large amounts of the family's money, fiercely battling my father's cancer. Meanwhile, my sister and I began to "lag" behind in school and in life--willing casualties of cancer's war.
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Growing up without a father figure at my side, I always felt distanced from my classmates. In elementary and middle school, I noticed that most other kids communicated and played with ease. I, by contrast, was quiet, timid, and introverted, isolated at home and at school. I feared human contact so much that, for a period of time, I could not even bring myself to look into the faces of people who spoke to me. Some children considered me an outcast--an easy target for harassment and ridicule.
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% z! }- C5 _, m _My depreciated self-esteem affected my performance in school. Ridiculed by my classmates, I lost the confidence to excel. In a vicious spiral, each bad grade would not only further undermine my confidence, but also make me feel as if I had failed my father, who cared so much about academics when he was healthy. I was ashamed of every report card I showed him, mistaking his concern for disappointment.
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One day, I decided finally to change my life. Listening to my classmates' stories of art lessons and gymnastics, activities as foreign to me as family car trips and vacations, I recalled my neighbor's statement: "Let your dad rest--he has been fighting brave and hard." I finally realized that the example of how to improve my life had been in front of me the entire time. My dad had fought and struggled to survive his disease--a disease that has claimed millions of victims. By fighting it and enduring the suffering to live another day with his family, he had taught me in the clearest possible way that I should never give up, that I could surmount any obstacle, and that I could build a happy life for myself. I made up my mind. I would face the world "brave and hard," and I would cast off the anxiety which had so shackled my personality. I would work to improve my grades and would shine as a student. I would cultivate my talents with an active passion. No more delays. No more fear. No more shame. Most importantly, no more giving up.
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3 I" T/ z' @: Z2 ]- h" QAfter reaching this decision in middle school, I worked persistently to catch up and surpass my peers. I have accomplished my goal. Since the sixth grade, my marks in school have steadily improved, and I have been particularly proud of my strong marks in high school. In addition, I have applied my eager determination to mastering the piano, and I continue to cultivate my love for the instrument to this day. Although I have competed with musicians who have been playing since childhood, I have always remained resolute and committed. With the strength my dad taught me to apply to life, I have pushed myself forward, doggedly practicing despite the increasing demands of my high school curriculum. I recently passed "Level 9" of the Certificate of Merit exam, catching up with--and even surpassing--many other students my age and older.
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" S3 @! E# g$ F- h& JMore than any other milestone I have reached, I am most proud of my success in overcoming my shyness. In eighth grade, I made the decision to join an Asian youth leadership program, which would compel me to communicate frequently with my peers. I knew that my role as a mentor and community leader would teach me to speak clearly and confidently. My participation in this program worked wonders. I now feel at ease amongst my classmates and friends, and last year, I even hosted an open house event for the program, speaking comfortably in front of a large audience. 0 i& Z) X, _- |8 Q/ X' T: V& m
/ [ m, N" P+ u$ @) \5 z9 x( @I am proud of the changes I have made in my life, and I owe all my strength to my father. My dad has been at my side every step of the way. Even as a bedridden cancer patient, ravaged by chemotherapy, his example taught me to face adversity and to conquer it, no matter the nature of the challenge. His struggle with colon cancer became a model for my own struggle to improve myself. Even today, I continue to fight, struggling with college entrance tests. Despite the challenge, I continue unshaken, knowing that the truest test of my ability is my determination to live bravely like my father and to overcome the hardships of life. I can never thank my dad enough for what he has given me. He has become my role model, and I hope that one day, many years from now, he will say to me, "I'm proud of you son--you have been fighting brave and hard."! k& [ T7 F8 j; i9 E9 y
, q1 W8 j. D$ p! e) k[ 本帖最后由 randy0218 于 2008-2-15 14:36 编辑 ]
